Farewell to Princess

This is princess... my 20 year old cat. I have had her for as long as i can remember.. . I was around 4 years old at the time and my mom had found her, a little kitten cowering from a large dog who was angry that she was trying to drink his water. we tried everything to find her owner but no one admitted to owning her and we ended up keeping her. We have had her ever since.  While moving down to where we lived now we almost lost her at a hotel. we were devastated but she appeared in the window right when we were about to leave. 

I loved that cat, it seems she has always been in my life and now to have her gone has left a gaping hole in my soul that i cannot bury. This all started a few months ago when we came home from church to find her gone... We looked everywhere for her and it wasn't till 24 hour later that searching the back yard again, thanks to a sighting by a neighbor, we found her hidden in tall weeds. If i hadn't walked the way i had (avoid spider webs) i never would have seen her there.

She was already going blind and going a bit deaf being outside made it completely go. she was so disoriented for awhile with not being able to see or hear and she wasn't very good at following her nose. She stopped using a litter box.. so we had to lay down puppy pads everywhere. She was like almost a completely different cat. she clung to my mom and the rest of us, following us wherever we went. It was a shock as she changed from being a sort of social cat to a clingy cat.

A few days ago my mom and my sister went on a trip to Utah so its just me and dad,. Afraid that she would once more wonder onto the porch through the dog door and then  get lost int he backyard again because i wasn't home, we locked her downstairs. She'd never been down there before but we just assumed she would be okay and know she was still home.

Yesterday i went downstairs to feed her only to find she hadn't eaten her food at all. I was worried and quickly refilled her water bowl but she was having trouble standing and would only do a few licks ever like 10 minutes. The gap between her licks of water got longer and longer. she wouldn't even drink the tuna water i brought down. I held her, hoping that she would get better. But i knew as i laid down with her in my bed that she was getting worse.

I had called my mom a few times by that point and i was praying like crazy that if she had to go, to let me be awake when she did so she wasn't alone... she deserved better then to die while i slept. I got  more than i wanted.. Right when i started maybe falling asleep she puked all over the pillow i had her on and my bed. I had to get up and clean it all.

I could feel her heart beat but she wasn't doing good. She would stop breathing and gasp for air. She would do this ever 5 seconds or  so. stop breathing then gasp for air. I carried her with me as i put my sheets and pillow in the washer and as we walked randomly her back legs would spasm... I decided to finally take her upstairs that maybe being on moms bed and smelling her she would know she was home in case she was depressed. I set her down on the bed, closed the door sot he other cat wouldn't come in and possibly bother her and when i came back she didn't have a heart beat....

I just its because when she could smell mom on the bed she knew she was home and that it was okay to let go,,, I can honestly say i just cried and almost screamed. i called my mom. I couldn't be able to go to sleep now.. she told me where some plaster mold stuff was and i mixed two up and made paw print impression of her then.. wrapping her up in one of my moms shirts, i wrapped her in a bag and put her in the fridge since we were going to have her cremated on Thursday when my mom returns..

it was so hard... to put her in there. I kept wanting to run back and check just to make sure. She wasn't dead she was sleeping but i couldn't fool myself.. her heart had stopped. Her heart beat had been so easy to feel that, i knew she was gone.  Even now I'm crying all over again. I hate that i was alone for this, I hate that she died, and I hate that i feel like it is all my fault. Maybe if i had just checked on her sooner, or been down there more...

I miss her so much and i don't know how i will be able to go on without her. She has been with me since i was about 4... almost my entire life... I tried just pushing through it and was doing good till my mentor teacher for my school-age practicum said i was looking good and asked if i wanted to go home and i just burst into tears.

Rest In Peace now Princess... I pray that even though you died while i went to close the door that you knew i was there for you and you weren't alone... and i pray that you know how much i love you