The Terrible Truth and a Broken Soul

Yesterday I finally learned a terrible truth I've always kind of known.

My father does not love me. I've worked hard all my life to prove I am worth something, that I am worth loving but yesterday... Him and my mom were arguing because i was upset dad wanted to just get rid of my chair and table and shove it in a corner somewhere so he could put a seat for himself there.

Listening to them argue I heard the hate in his voice...and later talking to mom she tells me she saw it clearly in his face. He hates me, he dislikes me, he doesn't love me. When she confronted him later telling that "your daughter is downstairs in her room crying because she thinks you don't love her, and i saw it in you face you don't like her. " He didn't say he "no I do love her, I like her" he just defended himself saying things like, he doesn't like some of the things I do, and hes not that kind of person. He hasn't called me in the tell me he loves me. He can't, because he doesn't.

It is truly heartbreaking to know that your own father sees no worth in you and doesn't love you. TO know he hates you and blaims you for anything and everything. I know i have a mom and sisters that love me, I have a couple friends... but it hurts so bad to know that my father doesn't. And how can I trust my heavenly father if my own father is so awful?

I'm not sure about anything anymore. I miss Squirt, I miss having a bird friend to comfort me, I miss the hope I had that one day dad would get better and love me... My heart and soul hurt so much...

Mending a broken heart

I'm sure any followers will remember when I lost my beloved Squirt. It has been hard having other birds in the house that hate me when i just want a bird to love. So i have turned to GoFundMe page to try and raise money for a new bird.

If anyone is curious about the story here is the link gofundme.com/zhk3un4

Tera: My favorate game

 Recently I have gone back to one of my favorite games, the only mmo that i actually stuck with and was willing to spend money on (though you do not have to spend a dime on tera to play or to win the game) First I was a Beserker, which helped because beserkers can block so i could solo BAMs and dungeons on my own. BU then the new class, Gunner, came out. I decided to give it a try and loved it.  My gunner is now lvl 65 (at the current lvl cap) and so I have started an Archer.

This second screenshot here is of a demon i had to hunt for one of my quests. It was just soo creepy looking.

The next few are because of an achievement at dragon turtle beach where every year they hold the beach party festival. well the festival wasn't going on but the sand was still there and if you pick up the sand and use it on the beach you make a sandcastle. I did enough to complete all the achievements and ended up with Magic Sand as a reward which let me build sandcastles everywhere which is alot of fun watching people run around and figure out where the sandcastle came from.
 You can also see my gunner sitting down wearing the pirate costume i bought for her,

I also took a screen shot of a BAM I was fighting who was like.. an evil Armadillo Beatle thing.
It kept curling up into a spinning wheel of death,





Here you can see Jageg's Money Trees in the lvl 60-65 area. You have to pick some gold from them for Jageg before he will tell you what you want to know.

 Today I discovered there was an achievement outside one of the large cities Kaiator. If you climbed up the mountain and reached the right spot it would give you a pet called bam bam. Well i found it, which ended up being the Wall of Wordcraft. you click on it and leave a permanent message along with all the others and you get the pet there standing besides my gunner.


Lastly my Archer. I recently used my gunner to farm fashion coupons to get her the fashion and the weapon skin. The mask i found on the trade broker. It could be bought from the shop but i didn't have enough really money for that and another player was selling it for only 800 gold so i bought it cause it looked SO good with her.



I wish I had more friends to play with but I do have a guild that is lots of fun and friendly. I adore this game, and am happy to spend time on it.

A Penny for Your Thoughts, and a Quarter Back

This semester I was enrolled in Jewelry and Metal Working I. We went through many assignments and my first one i do not have a picture of.  The second assignment was wire and i made a snowflake coin that i attached with a chain i made from wire and a clasp from larger wire.

Next i balled two ends of a strip of wire and made it into a cuff.

Third came the bezel wire. I used a Crysopraze stone with bezel wire that i saudered onto a crescent moon.

My last assignment was just finished. It took the most work but is my favorite by far. I used 26 pennies. 12 of them were domed and saudered together to form beads, the rest were drilled through and then all put together with jump rings i got from Walmart.

I just finished my pennies today and I am so excited! it looks just like i wanted it to! Can't wait to wear it for graduation!


A friend of mine told me this when he saw it: What do you know, a penny for your thoughts and a quarter back. That should be worn, as a reminder of self worth. That every thought is valuable, even your own.

Rest In Piece Squirt

 Squirt, my Jenday Conure, passed away this morning on April 25, 2015. He was one of the best birds a girl could ask for.  I hope he knows that I love him and will see him again one day.

He hasn't been doing well and yesterday he went downhill. This morning I came up to check on him. I held him gently, petting him as he made his soft noises at me, and then he started shaking. When the shaking ceased... he was gone.

My heart hurts so much right now, I can't calm down, can't be happy. I am just to angry...

We took him down to Dublin Animal Hospital where they cremated him for us and gave us a free wing print.. I play to take it, the feathers they cliped for him, pictures of him, and his favorate bunny and put it all in a shadow box for him.

I love you so much Squirtlle.... and I hope you are finally at peace and happy where you are now. Know that i love you and did all I could for you...

You will be deeply missed.

The Trouble with Being Gifted

I think that sometimes, having a disability is easier to admit then being gifted or smart.

The funny thing is, while going through school I always thought I was stupid, and lazy. I hated myself at times, wondering why I couldn't just be smart like everyone else, why couldn't i just do my homework and get good grades?

Now that I am almost through College I have come to slowly realize, I was smart.

Teachers focus on the children with disabilities and the outgoing students. Those like me who were smart and gifted, who they should have pushed harder, giving harder work, just slip through the cracks. I was always bored in school. The work was easy and so boring, I wasn't motivated to do my homework. What was the point?

When I got to high-school (when we moved to Colorado) my grades plummeted. Teachers at my high-school didn't really see me, didn't think to ask why i wasn't doing my work? why was I failing? Instead they ignored me and pushed me to the side as a 'lazy kid'. I would go home and be treated by my dad like i was stupid, worthless, good for nothing so i believed it.

It's only in college that I know have a chance to flourish, its a subject I am good at and love. I am a quick learner, show me something once and usually I can do it from then on. I am a quick reader as well.

I always wanted to be smart, now that I know i always have been, I've found it a kind of hollow victory.

A friend I had made told me I was TOO smart, that when I talked, I just sounded "like the book" and never gave anyone in my group a chance to feel out the questions and get it wrong or right on their own. Anytime we were put together anything I said she would argue and it would turn into world war III.

Last night was the last night of a short 5 week class. We were asked what we had learned in class this semester. Most of the students said the objective voice, or detail. They had all learned something.  I was off in my own corner thinking of SOMETHING to say, because for most of it I already knew or was good at. I can't say, "well I'm smart, or I already knew all of this" because it would be taken wrong no matter what wording I used.

I felt like I was always on the outside looking through a window at everyone else. I thought, 'if i was smart I would be with them' but now that I realize I always have been, and that I am smart, I find myself on the opposite end of the house, looking back through another window wishing to be slower, and not such a quick learner.

People are open and willing to accept someone with a learning disability or something else. But if you tried to explain your problem was that your gifted, that your smart they would just assume you were a know it all or bragging.

I cannot say I was wronged by all my other teachers, but I feel like I was a little. That if my teachers had payed more attention to me, and noticed why I struggled, and helped me succeed I would have flourished and ended up differently.

To ALL GAMERS:

Alienware is crap! I have been told that: "We've reviewed your case and since there's been no replacements or repairs on the system in over 2 months (since the beginning of November we're unable to send you a replacement for the entire unit. At this point, we're only able to provide a replacement for the defective parts through onsite or depot." are you kidding me? that would be just BARELY over 2 months, and I've had almost every part replace, and you decide you can't fix it because its been at the most a week over 2 months since my motherboard was replaced and now you wanna replace it again? I am done with alienware, They do not care about their customers, they only care about money. ALL GAMERS AVOID ALIENWARE, go to MSI INSTEAD! At least with them you will get a quality computer that wont break! I have had almost everything replaced in this computer and because its been just a little over 2 months they REFUSE to give me a computer that will work! I say again AVOID ALIENWARE AT ALL COSTS! I will be now trying to talk up the line, if i have to try to get to the main boss I will, but if they insist on this crap, then I will not stop putting out there that alienware needs to be avoided, and not stop calling till i get my $1000 back or a new computer!!!!!

My brother-in-law took an Msi gaming computer to Afghanistan and he has not had a single problem. I have had 4 hard-drives, 2 optical drives, 3 monitors, 2 motherboards, chords for my monitor, 2 power supplies, 2 chargers, and they say my motherboard (with my graphics card attached) has to be replaced again. And they wont exchange a system that is obviously defective because its just been barely over 2 months! they are in it for nothing but money and Alienware does not care about their computers or gamers, go to MSi where at least you will be able to have a quality computer that wont break every few months.

To those with concerns of how i treat my laptop, i do everything right. I JUST use it to game at home at the desk, or i carefully take it to school to take notes on, I do NOTHING else. I am not ruff with my computer in anyway or doing anything to it i shoulder, their parts are faulty and their systems are faulty. DO NOT GO TO ALIENWARE GO TO MSI USA!

I am done. My warranty expires in the beginning of February, and i was told already they cannot extend it, I may eventually suck it up and let them fix my computer one last time before it runs out then just let it die out. I wont have money for another one but will still look into how much an MSI USA computer would cost for a computer of their that's compares for theAlienware 14. Alienware was my dream computer, but they've managed to crush my dreams and I am just done. I am done with them and their crappy company that cares nothing about their customers. I have posted on every gaming forum I know plus a blog to avoid alienware and go to Msi. AN i will keep posting when i remember more forums i haven't been to in a while. I may have been willing to give them another chance but i have had my computer repaired to much to be told that its been just over the 2 months so they wont exchange my system for one that works. Alienware has permanently lost my business, and if I can help it, all the business of every last gamer i know.

Computer... again

so.... fun times... my relationship with alien-ware tech support continues, i was having trouble with geforce experience and apparently it was my drivers, which apparently is my video card which means the mother board would need to be replaced. They decided to submit my case to the other people who will determine if i am eligible for a system exchange, which he decided when he realized the replaced my motherboard about 2 months ago. So they are hopeful that the process will hopefully start soon and i will have a computer that works.


I am told that they will call me Tuesday to let me know if they have approved the system exchange. I am sure they will, I've had almost every part replace and they wanted to replace my video card.. which is attached to the motherboard... which as i said was replaced 2 months ago....


Keep your fingers crossed that all of this will be over soon.