I am sick of them all

Been left alone again with dad.

Did not get to spend Christmas morning with mom because as soon as she was up my sister was all over her bed, no room for me. So I had to just sit out in the living room alone. of course mom didn't tell me what was on isn't somethings he wanted to watch so she was just going to stay in her bedroom. I would have changed it.

Then i get in trouble because when I ask if i can have more dinner, mom tells me to ask dad and make him some to. What did they expect? Pretty much no stuffing left and of COURSE its what he wanted, not really enough to split for two so I just gave it all to him then I am in trouble for giving it all to him and not eating.

Now mom has been gone all day, so didn't get to spend time with her today either, and she just gets home and mandi is dragging her shopping and wont let me go along. So i am once again stuck alone with dad. On the way out she tells me I am not going to be able to watch MY tv tonight ( yes it is my tv, I bought it with my money, i own it, like i own the ps3 we watch dvd's with, and I own the sound bar) because she has a movie she wants to watch and she is GOING to watch it on the big screen.

And yet its all MY fault. For how i "treated" them last night, according to my sister. YOU got upset at me when i said i was fine. kept pushing till i exploded. yet its MY fault??

Whats the point of even trying to get up anymore? whats the point of being here when i am trapped with a man who thinks of me as nothing but a servant and causes trouble all the time? When i don't get to spend anytime with my mom because my sister has decided she needs her all to herself or not at all?

I hate the world, and I hate my family.

A Gift From a Friend

Okay, so the last day of my Exceptional Child class the older lady who sits next to me, Yong had a gift for me, a giant kiss. Yong is originally from Korea and is really sweet. she'd bought it from the commissary. There on Fort Carson by the campus.

Well it accidently went home with her and she called me and got my address to come give it to me but she never came by and i thought maybe she forgot.

Well, I came home today to find this. Apparently she came by today and gave them to my sisteri while i was gone. For some reason she added this 2 lb box of chocolate pretzels. She is so CUTE!

I am so excited, I can't remember ever really getting a gift from a classmate before. Never really had friends in class like that before. She is so sweet and I am so grateful that I got to know her! Yong is a wonderful lady that I hope she has a wonderful Christmas and finds herself blessed!

A Monster Weekend: How one teacher can turn a joy filled time, into utter pain, fear, and anger

Now that it is all over I feel safe enough to talk about whats happened this week. Starting on Saturday I logged onto Desire2Learn to check if my teachers had posted my final or anything yet. The first thing I saw was a nice shiny A. Then I saw the D. The teacher, who last semester gave me a C, couldn't "find" my mentor eval in her emails and that I had not turned in a self evaluation she supposedly had told me to do when she'd observed me. So that was 150 points I had been missing.

First of all, she never told me to do that, and there was nothing on D2L telling me what I was supposed to do for that, it just said what it was. So I hoped it was taken care of for I had no clue and assumed she would have told me it at the observation she did of me.

Second of all, my mentor teacher had sent her the evaluation a month prior. Why had she not received it? She had done this to me last semester! I emailed her, and then fussed with my other teacher because I was in a panic, failing would mess up my financial aid, could make it impossible to graduate on time next semester, and it could kill my GPA enough to kick me out of Phi Theta Kappa. I had to wait over the weekend with no responses except from my mentor teacher assuring me that she had sent it on November 5th.

Finally, today, she contacted me to ask what my teacher's email and name was that had sent it to her, so she could "find it" in her inbox... I was confused. Hadn't she looked and not found it? Isn't that why she was giving me a 0? Well i told her and she comes back with this:

"I have found an evaluation from **********  for you, under a different last name.  I had not opened it because I thought it was sent by mistake to my email."

So you DID have it? you just assumed it was junk and ignored it? Really? At least she's decided to give me the 100 points. She's still keeping the 0 on the other 50, claiming i should have known and done it and it was supposed to be 1 page long. No where on D2L does it say what it should be, or how long!  I am grateful that I am now passing, but pissed off I'm getting a 0 on a assignment that I was not told what to do, or how to do it, or even TO do it. And that 50 points could push me up to a low b!

It had just sucked the joy out of everything. That one of my teachers had been so impressed with my notes she had me email them to her, and another teacher gave me a perfect score on my final, (which includes the extra credit question I was sure i bombed) so I had ended up with 110% on my final, but all of it was gone because of one teacher...

I am very upset, but also very grateful. I've had friends tell me they were going to pray for me, and my mom put my name on the prayer roll at the temple. It all seemed to help and I am grateful that I am passing.

Plus I NEVER have to see that teacher again, EVER!

The video accurately describes how I have felt the past weekend.

Family Recipes

Finally! I got a family cookbook, but of all the family recipes there was only one I wanted, to my aunts cinnamon rolls. Made them today and by the time i rolled them flat i really hated the dough. But they are baked and smelling good!

and YES they are quite as big as they look. My family always makes cinnamon rolls HUGE. We had yeast in it and i have to let it rise for a totally of 35 minutes between all the different things. they are soo delicious. For a reference on the size let me tell you, the round pan is a full pizza pan, and behind it there is a spatula so you can tell, very large and will last a couple days!

Not feeling myself

I have been feeling really stressed lately. It's gotten so bad little things that didn't bother me before have made me burst into tears and snap. Nothing seemed terribly stressful, I just feel that way. Mom told me today she thinks it is because I haven't been taking my multi-vitamin. It might be true so guess I need to really try and remember to take them each day, and see if that calms me down or if it does nothing at all.

At least school is almost over and I have those few weeks of break before my last semester starts which I am sure will cause a lot more stress. Though I do have something calming to do this week. A friend of mine from class is paying me to make 11 rubber band jingle bracelets for her. So I have 8 more to go and I should be paid at the final Friday.

It will be nice to have money, I don't usually have money I can spend. Won't be enough to buy a game really, but enough to maybe bye a little something for myself at least, not sure what yet but I am sure I will think of something when the time comes.

My own world

You know, there is nothing I find more relaxing then getting comfortable in a chair or my bed and creating and developing my own world. Drawing maps, creating characters and cultures is a very soothing activity and I admit that sometimes I wish I could do it all the time. I get so tired of my world and its darkness. I would much rather spend my time in one of my own creations where I know everything will be okay where I don't have to worry about my future or that of my family, I know how broken a family I create is, unlike my own family which i never realized was breaking apart at the seems till it had already fallen apart.

In a fictitious world of my own design, I never have to cry.

Getting to the end of my rope

I am very tired and getting worn down. Everyday seems like a battle that I am not sure I can win. My computer, my beloved Alien-ware Laptop, has to be repaired AGAIN! All of this not to mention that a few days ago we went to get it fixed and they sent us a faulty monitor so i had to wait for a new one. we spent 8 hours trying to get it fixed -.- I love my computer but i'm growing tired of the stress. I wonder if it just wont be worth it to just... buy a new one when i have to money, a different brand that would do what i need to.

I don't want to get rid of my computer, but i'm tired of replacing it every few months, and i haven't even had it a year! and they are reluctant to just send me a new one. I've had 3 hard drives now. Apparently they had been using a brand that was faulty and that was their excuse this time for not just sending me a new computer.

I want to cry. my cat has died, i have the stress of school and everything else, and now fixing me computer again and again. I just can't handle it!!!!!

Farewell to Princess

This is princess... my 20 year old cat. I have had her for as long as i can remember.. . I was around 4 years old at the time and my mom had found her, a little kitten cowering from a large dog who was angry that she was trying to drink his water. we tried everything to find her owner but no one admitted to owning her and we ended up keeping her. We have had her ever since.  While moving down to where we lived now we almost lost her at a hotel. we were devastated but she appeared in the window right when we were about to leave. 

I loved that cat, it seems she has always been in my life and now to have her gone has left a gaping hole in my soul that i cannot bury. This all started a few months ago when we came home from church to find her gone... We looked everywhere for her and it wasn't till 24 hour later that searching the back yard again, thanks to a sighting by a neighbor, we found her hidden in tall weeds. If i hadn't walked the way i had (avoid spider webs) i never would have seen her there.

She was already going blind and going a bit deaf being outside made it completely go. she was so disoriented for awhile with not being able to see or hear and she wasn't very good at following her nose. She stopped using a litter box.. so we had to lay down puppy pads everywhere. She was like almost a completely different cat. she clung to my mom and the rest of us, following us wherever we went. It was a shock as she changed from being a sort of social cat to a clingy cat.

A few days ago my mom and my sister went on a trip to Utah so its just me and dad,. Afraid that she would once more wonder onto the porch through the dog door and then  get lost int he backyard again because i wasn't home, we locked her downstairs. She'd never been down there before but we just assumed she would be okay and know she was still home.

Yesterday i went downstairs to feed her only to find she hadn't eaten her food at all. I was worried and quickly refilled her water bowl but she was having trouble standing and would only do a few licks ever like 10 minutes. The gap between her licks of water got longer and longer. she wouldn't even drink the tuna water i brought down. I held her, hoping that she would get better. But i knew as i laid down with her in my bed that she was getting worse.

I had called my mom a few times by that point and i was praying like crazy that if she had to go, to let me be awake when she did so she wasn't alone... she deserved better then to die while i slept. I got  more than i wanted.. Right when i started maybe falling asleep she puked all over the pillow i had her on and my bed. I had to get up and clean it all.

I could feel her heart beat but she wasn't doing good. She would stop breathing and gasp for air. She would do this ever 5 seconds or  so. stop breathing then gasp for air. I carried her with me as i put my sheets and pillow in the washer and as we walked randomly her back legs would spasm... I decided to finally take her upstairs that maybe being on moms bed and smelling her she would know she was home in case she was depressed. I set her down on the bed, closed the door sot he other cat wouldn't come in and possibly bother her and when i came back she didn't have a heart beat....

I just its because when she could smell mom on the bed she knew she was home and that it was okay to let go,,, I can honestly say i just cried and almost screamed. i called my mom. I couldn't be able to go to sleep now.. she told me where some plaster mold stuff was and i mixed two up and made paw print impression of her then.. wrapping her up in one of my moms shirts, i wrapped her in a bag and put her in the fridge since we were going to have her cremated on Thursday when my mom returns..

it was so hard... to put her in there. I kept wanting to run back and check just to make sure. She wasn't dead she was sleeping but i couldn't fool myself.. her heart had stopped. Her heart beat had been so easy to feel that, i knew she was gone.  Even now I'm crying all over again. I hate that i was alone for this, I hate that she died, and I hate that i feel like it is all my fault. Maybe if i had just checked on her sooner, or been down there more...

I miss her so much and i don't know how i will be able to go on without her. She has been with me since i was about 4... almost my entire life... I tried just pushing through it and was doing good till my mentor teacher for my school-age practicum said i was looking good and asked if i wanted to go home and i just burst into tears.

Rest In Peace now Princess... I pray that even though you died while i went to close the door that you knew i was there for you and you weren't alone... and i pray that you know how much i love you

Worst Day Ever

Today was a really bad day. Before i explain why let me give you some back information. I finally found my mentor eval done on my by my mentor teacher while i was doing my toddler practicum. On the line that says "the student is neat with their personal appearance, she wrote "no" So keep that in mind and what that did to my self esteem as i tell my tale. I walk into the library to start my volunteer hours as i usually do on Thursdays, and soon as i walk into the back my favorite pair of flip flops break... I'm thinking great.. their gonna love seeing me in broken shoes. So when they weren't looking i taped them so they would at least stay.

Then I get my work done and walk to the car where the tape gives out and they break agian. As SOON as i sat down in that car i felt a rip in the back of my pants. Great, broken shoes, ripped pants. i just cant win on my appearance today.

So we get to subway and Mom and Mandi want to be helpful and try to get me into the restaurant with my pants rip. I am mortified. But they seem pissed at me so i get out of the car but they aren't moving. they are just sitting there... by the time they got out and kept trying to get me to turn around to show them my ripped pants i get to embarrassed and sit back in there where in the sitting motion causes my pants to rip the rest of the way to my waistband. now there is a bigger whole in my pants and i am defiantly not getting out now.

Mom thought i was mad at them and it pushed her over the edge so they decided to take me home and leave me there alone with dad [ weeee ] and then go off to eat and do whatever. I went downstairs and cried for at least an hour. i still kind of want to cry and everyone hates me.

I hate life,

And apparently my teachers are right. But you know some of us don't have the money to go out and by a super nice and fancy wardrobe. Some of us are stuck with the few clothes they got and cannot dress up as "neat" as others want us to....

Moving On Alone

For as long as I can remember,

The stories used to be there,

Offering another world,

Where I can escape my pain,

But as the days go by,

I start to realize,

The stories have moved past me,

And I am on my own.

How do you escape the world,

If there is no path of escape?

How do you turn your back on pain,

If there is no world around you,

How does one survive…

When the world has died around you.

I am tired of the suffering,

Of the silent tears and age old aches.

I don’t want to feel it,

I just want to escape.

But the stories have abandoned me,

Leaving me inside the dark alone.

How can I live without the stories,

That offered me such freedom?

I am tired, I am done.

I have no one to turn to.

For everywhere I go,

I find people who have left me.

How can the world move on without me?

How can some stay behind?

How did I end up on this road alone?

The answers, too, are past me.

*written by J.K. Van'Ellessad 

Love From Affar

*taken from the Mae and Tahlen notebook, this work belongs to J.K. Van'Ellesad alone, do NOT take it as your own* 

There she stood, silently in the doorway. Half of her hair was pulled over her shoulders, bounded with silver strands starting at her shoulders down past her hips. The rest of her long hair hung free down her back, the ends brushing against her thighs. He’d never seen hair as long, or as beautiful, as hers. As she slowly came into the light, the brown and ginger highlights throughout the raven locks shimmered.

He was not the only one that noticed her, for instantly the conversations turned to hushed tones, most whispering about the ’cursed’ girl. Looking in a way she wouldn’t notice, he watched the loneliness and hurt swirl in her ice colored eyes. She did not understand why she was treated so differently, unlike him she missed the jealousy and fear in their eyes.

It wasn’t long before she quickly moved through the room, to a dark comer she had become acquainted with since the days after she had awaken. He wanted to go to her, to wipe the pain from her eyes but he could not get himself to stand. Whether she remembered her past or not, he knew it. And he would not take advantage of her. So he held back and observed her from a distance.

He knew what she wanted, so while she was distracted he taped in an order in the pad before him and a large mug of hot chocolate with whip cream and mint fudge swirls appeared before her. She looked down and offered a rare smile, giving a sign of thanks to whoever had ordered it. Then, sliding her fingers through the cups handle and around the other side of the cup she lifted it and took a sip.

It had taken some time, but he had come to notice her fondness for sweets, chocolate in particular. So when she wasn’t looked he’d often order them for her, sometimes having them delivered to her room. When he saw her smile, he knew it was well worth it. 

Everyone Loves Don Quixote

EVERYONE loves Don Quixote... how could you not? 

I am reading a really nice leather-bound copy I bought from Costco

Excerpt: 

Chapter 8 
OF THE GOOD FORTUNE WHICH THE VALIANT DON QUIXOTE HAD IN THE TERRIBLE AND UNDREAMED-OF ADVENTURE OF THE WINDMILLS, WITH OTHER OCCURRENCES WORTHY TO BE FITLY RECORDER

At this point they came in sight of forty windmills that there are on plain, and as soon as Don Quixote saw them he said to his squire, “Fortune is arranging matters for us better than we could have shaped our desires ourselves, for look there, friend Sancho Panza, where thirty or more monstrous giants present themselves, all of whom I mean to engage in battle and slay, and with whose spoils we shall begin to make our fortunes, for this is a righteous warfare, and it is God’s good service to sweep so evil a breed from off the face of the heart.”

“What giants?” said Sancho Panza.

“Those though seest there,” answered his master, “with the long arms, and some have them nearly two leagues long.”

“Look, your worship,” said Sancho, “what we see there are not giants but windmills, and what seem to be their arms are the sails that turned by the wind make the millstone go.”

“It is easy to see, “replied Don Quixote, “that tho art not used to the business of adventures. Those are giants; and if thou art afraid, away with thee out of this and betake thyself to prayer while I engage them in fierce and unequal combat.”

“So saying, he gave the spur to his steed Rocinate, heedless of the cries of his squire Sancho sent after him, warning him that most certainly they were windmills and not giants he was going to attack, He, however, was so positive they were giants that he neither heard the cries of Sancho, nor Perceived, near as he was, what they were, but made at them shouting, “Fly not, cowards and vile beings, for a single knight attacks you.”

A slight breeze at this moment sprang up, and the great sails began to move, seeing which Don Quixote exclaimed, “Though ye flourish more arms than the giant Briareus, ye have to reckon with me.”

So saying, and commending himself with all his heart to his lady Dulcinea, imploring her to support him in such a peril, with lance in rest and covered by his buckler, he charged at Rocinate’s fullest gallop and fell upon the first mill that stood in front of him; but as he drove his lance point into the sail the wind whirled it round with such force that it shivered the lance to pieces, sweeping with it horse and rider, who went rolling over the plain, in a sorry condition. Sancho hastened to his assistance as fast as his ass could go, and when he came up he found him unable to move, with such a shock had Rocinate fallen with him.

“God bless me!” said Sancho, “did I not tell your worship to mind what you were about, for they were only windmills? And no one could have made any mistake about it but one who had something of the same kind in his head.”

“Hush friend Sancho,” replied Don Quixote, “the fortunes of war more than any other are label to frequent fluctuations; and moreover I think, and it is the truth, that the same sage Freston who carried off my study and books, has turned these giants into mills in order to rob me of the glory of vanquishing them, such is the enmity he bears me; but in the end his wicked arts will avail but little against my good sword.” 

Don Quixote

Written by: Miquel de Cervantes

Page 44 - 45

Rainbow Loom Starfish and Totem Pole Bracelets

I made two braclets on my rainbow loom tonight. The first one is the Starfish Bracelet

  

I took pictures of the instruction book if case someone wanted to see the pattern. the first pace is the placing patter, the second is the looping pattern

The next pictures i have is what i used and then pictures of the finished bracelet itself. I hope you enjoy it as I did

The Next bracelet I made was the totem pole bracelet. As with the first used clear instead of a dark for the border.

The pattern for the totem pole bracelet comes in 3 pages. The first page is the border, which in this pattern you lay down first.

Next is placing the center middle of the bracelet.


The last page of the pattern is how to loop the bracelet. Once i was done I took a picture of my table with everything i used, and then the bracelet itself.











I love how the colors turned out with the clear so I thought I would share my newest bracelets. Hope you all have a good day,

Signed,

J.K

A message from a dream: "Let me show you a better way"

I had a story dream a few days ago. I do not remember alot of it but I remember what I believe must have bee one of the most important parts. She stops a man from doing something harsh. Holding onto the handle of the cleaver she spoke to him in a gentle tone, saying, "Let me show you a better way". It wasn't really about showing him how to cook the fish for the important man better, it was about showing him violence wasn't the answer.

Never did she raise her voice or show any anger or disappointment in her voice. The only thing she said did was ask the chef to let her show him a better way. I do not know who this new resident in my mind is, but I have a feeling I will enjoy getting to know her; and that she will fit in well with all the others.

I just can't get her calm, soft voice out of my head, saying that one line over and over again, "let me show you a better way"

So come one, come all, let her show us a better way of life.

Baby Picture

I went on Facebook and found a message from my cousin that read:

             "Random...Just found a photo of you in the office here... We've been trying to figure out who it was, and I finally took it out of the frame and the back of the pic says its you!!!"

The back of the picture says my name, and then : 7 pounds 2 ounces; 20.5 inches I was so tiny! Looking at the picture just made my day. Aren't I a cute little baby? Look at the pink bow in my hair!! I am not sharing the back for obvious reasons. I do not want my full name for all to see in case those I don't want finding the blog find it.

This has been your daily dose of cuteness! Hope the rest of your day is awesome.

Signed,

J.K Van'Ellessad

Rainbow Loom Projects

 I received a Rainbow Loom for Christmas and have been having a lot of fun. I found a picture of a turtle and figured out how to make it (below)  and it turned out great!

Next i found a pattern in my book for a hibiscus bracelet and decided to make it out of glow-in-the-dark bands. I loved how the glow-in-the-dark looked. It looked completely amazing!

Recently Michael's had a sale for the bands, two for five, and mom took me over to get some. I really wanted the camo bands, but when we got there I found them out. I suppose that is the risk of living in a military town, when bands go on sale the camo flies off the shelf. Well I found other colors that looked like they were the camo and used them. However i did look online and find out I did not use their colors but its okay because I like how they turned out.

The followed the star-burst bracelet pattern first of all.


For the first bracelet I used multi-colored stars. This means I used all the colors I had for each star. When it was done it looked awesome, kind of like camo. I wasn't sure which way (there were two) that I would like better. So, I took my camo colors and this time did the stars solid colors, alternating the colors for the diffrent stars. For both bracelets I used all the colors for the border.

To make my camo I used: Black, Burgundy, Dark Green, and Olive Green.

I took a picture of them all and put them on the Rainbow Loom Facebook page. So I took a picture of both of them together so they could be seen side by side.

 I love the Rainbow Loom, it is the first, and the best of all the rubber band looms and they are very fun to make. If you follow the step-by-step instructions in YouTube videos or books you will be able to create even the most complicated of patterns.

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I thought I would share my life for a time. I hope you all enjoyed my creations!

Love,
J.K. Van'Ellesad